09 mars, 2008

Dreamin big



Since I've been in Rennes for part trois of my time living in France, I've done a pretty good job of keeping things cheap and denying myself the urge to spend on things I didn't reeeeeally need(I even denied myself a purple scarf on soldes for 1 euro!) I'd been dying to buy new tops, a battery charger, a second pillow, a comforter, a new coat and a Brita filter for ages. But, I just tried to forget about those things and would tell myself "you don't neeeeeed them, Leah, it's just one more thing to have to bring back or leave here and lose the money later on." Well, I have not only managed to buy every single one of those things in the last 3 weeks, but have also started to pick out furniture to buy for my new bedroom. Have I won the lotto, scored a new job, have any indication I'm staying here for a while longer, you wonder? Well, the answer is I really wish, I super really wish and I hyper mega super really wish! Have I gone nuts is the more appropriate question and probably would be the correct answer.
I have somehow developed this crazy idea that if I will staying in France enough, it'll just happen. I mean, I am of course pounding the pavement(ok, maybe not so much pounding as lightly treading) to look for a job. It's just that I really have no indication that I'm staying nor do I feel all that hopeful about getting a job(it is me and my luck, afterall!), but I just want it to be so much that I have turned it into some sort of false reality. I wish therefore it is, kinda thing. It hasn't been hoping to stay nor has it been knowing I'll stay either. I'm trying to figure out when it all started and where it came from. Maybe after being sick for so long and so often, I felt I needed to treat myself and then it just turned into a volcanic eruption of mass spending? Not sure. Was it after reading Eat, Pray, Love and starting to believe in the possibility of life and love again? Again, couldn't tell you. All I know is I believe.

6 commentaires:

Victoria a dit…

i love eat, pray, love.
i have to read it again.

Crystal a dit…

hey..don't feel bad about buying those things. I understand why you say you don't want to buy a bunch of stuff only to have to leave it behind later, but seriously, live more in the moment (I'm teaching myself to do this too). You are living in France, you don't know when and if you are going back to the US, so you deserve to be comfortable and happy in the life you are living now. It could all end tomorrow (a little morbid, I know, but you never know when you could be say...hit by a transport truck...) so just tell yourself that little things can be shipped home in boxes and big things can be sold or given away should you have to move home. I don't condone over zealous spending or charging your life away on a credit card, but you hardly seem like the kind of person who is irresponsible with her money, so dont feel bad! You deserve it!!

Alisa a dit…

i agree with crystal! last year i moved into an apt with an empty bedroom and had to buy *everything* to furnish it (yay cheap ikea!). sure i'll end up selling it or throwing it away when i leave, but it's nice to have while you're here. and i'm sure if you try hard enough something will work out (although you might end up renewing your student visa just to be sure!)

nicole a dit…

here's to hoping you find what it takes to stay!!

Karen a dit…

I thought Eat, Pray, Love was fantastic, too. Such a great read.

Leah a dit…

Victoria&Karen-I am very d'accord about E,P,L!

Crystal-I guess my prob with it is that since I already have stuff on loan from my proprio, I know I don't HAVE to buy stuff because I could just keep his (I assume) for as long as I want. The whole big question mark for me is really my strange attitude change that came out of nowhere.

Alisa-Thanks, fille. On verra about being a student, I'd like to avoid that at all costs, but on verra!

Nicole-Thanks for the well wishes. :)