16 mars, 2011

One year later...

It's been about a year since I posted. I am impressed with myself, I guess? Not really, it's more that I didn't always have things to say and, to be honest, when I'm happy, I don't blog. I'm blogging again now because a lot of stuff has gone down this year and it has pretty much all been very negative. I've been writing in a journal when I feel like it all needs to get out, but I do miss the blogosphere and the ability to share things with the thought that we're all here to support each other and maybe what I say could somehow help someone else who is going through or has gone through a similar situation. I won't get into everything, but I can share a bit of what I've been going through.

The first semester of the school year was very difficult with the loss of a colleague, school admin that often don't have the best intentions, my status here up in the air and a promotion that never was. But, with the change of the year, I always have a feeling of a fresh start and my heart becomes filled with hope for better things. This was especially the case this year more than most other years. Well, on the job front, things definitely did NOT get better which seriously affected other areas of my life. Then, The Chef and I got a puppy which was a totally unexpected and joyous event that ended tragically when he came down with a very aggressive disease called Parvo. We took him to the vet to get hooked up to an IV on a Friday because he was very weak as he wasn't keeping anything down. Monday afternoon, the vet called The Chef and I told him not to tell me anything until I finished the work day because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold back my emotions if he didn't make it. So he picked me up from school and I could tell right away what had happened although I so didn't want it to be true. He didn't make it. My heart split into a million pieces. Poor little pup. We didn't have him a long time, but as an animal lover, I got very attached very quickly. He was a really sweet dog, basically the most awesome puppy ever.

After that, I found out that someone that is very dear to me has cancer. That was a huge shock and I couldn't even wrap my head around it with everything else that happened. I guess I tried not to obsess over it too much to avoid just completely breaking down. But, the fear of losing that person ate me up alive and though I didn't necessarily analyze this information like I normally would, it was ALWAYS in the back of my mind.

When I thought things couldn't possibly get any worse, The Chef tells me he's having doubts and has been thinking about this for the past two months. I'm sorry, what now? We decide to take a break for a week and he goes to stay with his brother. We meet up a week later and he tells me he's now sure that things aren't working for him and he's not happy. It's the kind of split where nothing happened, no one "did" anything, but it's just not right. Except that it was a total surprise to me and I thought I at least had him in my life still and could count on him to help me get through everything that was weighing me down. Not the case.

It's been a month since the break-up and I was doing OK, but I'm starting to feel really horrible again. I don't know if it's going back to work(I was on vaca the past two weeks) which just reminds me of all the problems at work, the fact that The Chef finally moved out all his stuff a week ago which reminds me of the break-up and feeling alone, seeing a good friend come and go or a mix of all these things and more. I think it's the latter. Plus, I just feel so unsupported by certain people which is a really hard pill to swallow. Thank goodness for those friends who have been so supportive that I feel so lucky, however it seems to just point out more those who haven't been very supportive at all.

I just feel that it's a lot of things for one person to deal with at once. It's hard to stay positive and I know time is what I need, but I just so want to not feel this way anymore. I'm looking forward to the day that I can look back and be OK and I know that day will come, but I'm seriously willing the time to go by...and fast.

To not end things on a completely bad note, I will tell you that I somehow magically got my French permis de conduire by exchange. I was technically about 6 weeks late past my first permanent CDS, but something had to give for Pete's sake and I got it in the mail...4 months after I asked for it, but whatev, I got it! Another positive thing was that after doing lots of research and trips to the Dreaded Prefecture, I think that I will be able to renew my CDS Salarie without having my employer go through the Labor Dept which is exactly what I need and want to happen. Now they just have to offer me a job...on verra for that. Lastly, the person who has cancer had surgery just yesterday that is very essential to a cure. I do have hope and everything should be OK, but you just never know. So voila, just wanted to get that all out there.