08 mai, 2011

Non-smoker, non-ugly

I'm ba-aaaaack! Although I don't know if anyone is still out there because I maybe scared you all away with my last post. Oh well! It's now been almost 3 months since my life exploded like that Icelandic volcano that messed up everyone's travel plans last year. I'm not sure how 3 months have gone by, but I'm still hanging in there somehow even despite some unexpected news that I learned of this week: the dreaded new girlfriend. Someone has already come along to take my old spot. I'm not going to go into all the gory details because I've analyzed the situation too many times for my own good but the basic idea is that he has moved on...ALREADY. I'm not sure how long they've been together but it was at least a month after the breakup that they got together if not before. We all know the golden rule: it should always be the breakupee who moves on first not the breakuper. OK, that might just be MY golden rule that I invented. I wanted him to be the one to run into me on the street as I walk hand in hand with Gaston who just happens to be taller, funnier, better-looking and extremely charming. Instead, I live in fear of running into him with the copine and have images of me hiding behind a tree or something to avoid an awkward situation. All I can do is make sure I look amazing every time I step outside the house which, of course, is not possible but I will do my darndest. Besides, I know the 5'9" stick insect that he calls his copine must have her faults too...right? Right?

For now I choose to either dwell on this new discovery constantly or pretend like it isn't happening. Healthy, I know, but I just can't seem to find the middle ground. I've been going out a lot into town in the evening and night hours and hanging out with new and different people. I crave change. I need to have future plans. I want to feel connected to people and don't like being on my own. I suppose these are all normal feelings but because this is the longest relationship I've ever had, I've never felt these feelings so strongly and they definitely didn't last this long. It's not a precise science, but there is definitely truth to the length of the relationship being proportionate to the time it takes to get over it. I can't believe people have to go through this multiple times. I definitely want the next one to stick around for good.

Actually, I think a lot about the future Mr. Leah en France Part Trois(though it's hard to imagine ever being with someone again.) I think about the good points that The Chef had that I'd like the new guy to have and then the negative ones that I don't want. There are certain things that might be a deal breaker. Do I really want to deal with dating a smoker again? I really am anti-smoking and that was one of the things that bugged me about The Chef. We got into arguments about it and whenever he'd smoke, it would seriously rub me the wrong way. He did quit a couple times and he also reduced the amount of clopes he'd smoke, but I don't know if it ever would have been enough for me. The other big thing was his schedule. We worked opposite schedules. He worked on the weekend. I spent(wasted) so much time waiting for him. It was hard for us to get to know each other's friends. We both wondered sometimes if he wouldn't be better off with someone working in restauration. (FYI I'm pretty sure Salopey McPetasse aka the new gf is a hairdresser so she will see how difficult it is to have opposite schedules too!) I'd say these two things are pretty huge heck no's for me. But then I realize that no one is perfect so I won't be able to find Mr. Perfect and will have to compromise on some things, but what? I definitely am not willing to settle but how picky can you really be?

I've been listening to music about breakups and being at a certain place in your life. I really relate to a song by Lily Allen called "22." It's about a girl who remembers being 22 and feeling so much hope but now she's almost 30, goes out a lot only to find losers that don't stick around and isn't happy in her career. She's waiting for her dream man to come along and rescue her and wonders why her life has worked out this way. I totally feel ya, Lily, you have noooo idea. Besides that, I've been listening to a lot of Adele. I heart Adele. She has such a beautiful voice and sings so effortlessly. She's amazing. Her second album was inspired by a breakup and, again, I completely relate to what she must have been feeling when she wrote those songs. Music is great for that.

Other than being a crazy, past quarter-life crisis, analyzing, heartbroken, hating-being-single gal, I'm kind of on pins and needles for what's going to happen in other parts of my life in the next few months. Will I have a job? A CDD or a CDI? Will I get a raise? Will I move? Back to the states or in Rennes? I feel like there are going to be a lot of changes in the near future. I'm not a huge fan of changes and going through different transitions, so I kind of just want to get it over and done with. If I could hop in a time machine and skip over the waiting and the bad stuff, I totally would. Unfortunately, that's not possible, so I will just have to deal with it for now and wish time away like I've been doing for the past three months.

Dear Time,

I'm ready for you to do your job and heal me.


PS-There's something really great just around the corner, right?

16 avril, 2011

One month later

It's now been two months since my life tossed its' proverbial cookies all over me. I keep thinking I'm OK and then some little thing reminds me I'm not. It really doesn't take much to drag me down again. I've had three friends visit from the states over the past month or so which was such a lifesaver and could not have come at a better time, but now I'm back on my own again and having to face the music. I've got vacances coming up at the end of next week which will be good as it will be a break from my job which is always needed because it is one of the parts of my life that is not going well, but at the same time, my job also provides a distraction from all the other bits of my life that suck. I know I'll get through it because that's all I can do, but I'm looking forward and not looking forward to it at the same time. If money weren't one of my woes right now, I would totally want to get away, but helas, it cannot be. I do have possible travel plans this summer to visit a friend in Angleterre before I leave for the states but it's not yet set in stone. At least I'm able to go home for almost a month and get away from this pile of merde I call a vie. Wow. I really can't wait to be able to re-read this blog post someday in the (hopefully near) future and be so glad I'm not in this place anymore. I'm just wondering when the heck that will be.

I know I sound negative, but you have to understand that so many areas of my life are in the crapper. Yes, I know it could be a lot worse, but I also think it could be a lot better. Career, money, love, family, friendships and health are kind of the essentials of a healthy life. Of course it's not every aspect of those categories. For example, though they're far away, I do have an extremely wonderful, loving and supportive family and the person who has cancer seems to be doing well after the surgery. Also, some of my friends have been really kind and thoughtful which I'm so very grateful for. I do have moments of trying to be positive, you see, but it wavers. Overall, I would just say it's a feeling of being uncomfortable in my life. I'm not happy how the majority of things are going. I'm able to be happy for other people who have great things happening in their lives...new houses, weddings, jobs, babies, pets, couples, etc. It is hard for me, however, to see all these wonderful things happening to important people in my life and not wonder why it isn't the case for me.

I do believe that in life things happening for a reason. If all this depressing stuff is happening to me all at the same time, it must have some purpose. I don't know why that is, but I think with time, I will be able to see. It's said that it takes half the time of a relationship to get over it which would be October. I've decided that that should apply to all of the negative things going on in my life. I know that's a bit silly to group everything together and give myself an expiration date for all of these bad feelings, but it helps to think of things in a practical and logical way. What I do know is that in theory I should know about my job situation in June. They know I'm leaving at the beginning of July for the states, but I know that they also are big fans of waiting until the last minute without really considering the people this affects. I have in my head that if I don't get a new contract or a renewal with them, I will probably be leaving France for good. I'm putting all my eggs in one basket and hoping it works out.

I try to predict how it's going to go, but there are lots of different things they could do because there are 3 of us on CDD, but only about 1.5 postes. In theory, it means they will keep 2 of us. But, they could also always try to give the hours in the 0.5 poste to the CDI people even if they wouldn't want them. They could also hire an outside person. If they did either of those things, that would mean 3 people going for 1 poste and I have a feeling that one of the people would get it over me because we really need someone who is specialized in History and that is the case for this person. However, there are lots of primary hours. The History person wouldn't want them and I don't think any of the CDIers who aren't already in primary would want them. So either they could hire someone from the outside, keep the third person or me. I know this is probably confusing, but basically it means things are totally up in the air. Also, even if I get a position, they could offer me a CDD again one more time which I don't want to have if I apply for nationality which is my plan if I get offered a new contract with my job. It's a lot of "if a happens, then will it be b or c? If it's b will it be d or e? If it's c will it be f or g?" Enough to make you analyze it over and over again, but know that in the end, you can only wait.

Money could also get a little better if they take me on a CDI, but I doubt my salary would change if they gave me another CDD which means potentially another year of being in the merde. I will have a prime at the end of the CDD I have until the end of August, but most of it will be used to pay off loans so it won't last all that long, a mon avis. To help my financial situation, I was thinking about a coloc with a friend, but it seems now she probably wants to stay in her studio because she might be moving back to Paris. I don't really want to do another coloc with all new people so, for now, I'm staying in my appart until I know more info about my job and will deal with the coloc sitch later.

My life has never been such a mess before. I guess stay tuned to see what happens and keep sending those positive vibes my way. I will try to update here from time to time. If I don't update for a while, it probably means I've been eaten by wild dogs a la Bridget Jones! Voili voilou.

16 mars, 2011

One year later...

It's been about a year since I posted. I am impressed with myself, I guess? Not really, it's more that I didn't always have things to say and, to be honest, when I'm happy, I don't blog. I'm blogging again now because a lot of stuff has gone down this year and it has pretty much all been very negative. I've been writing in a journal when I feel like it all needs to get out, but I do miss the blogosphere and the ability to share things with the thought that we're all here to support each other and maybe what I say could somehow help someone else who is going through or has gone through a similar situation. I won't get into everything, but I can share a bit of what I've been going through.

The first semester of the school year was very difficult with the loss of a colleague, school admin that often don't have the best intentions, my status here up in the air and a promotion that never was. But, with the change of the year, I always have a feeling of a fresh start and my heart becomes filled with hope for better things. This was especially the case this year more than most other years. Well, on the job front, things definitely did NOT get better which seriously affected other areas of my life. Then, The Chef and I got a puppy which was a totally unexpected and joyous event that ended tragically when he came down with a very aggressive disease called Parvo. We took him to the vet to get hooked up to an IV on a Friday because he was very weak as he wasn't keeping anything down. Monday afternoon, the vet called The Chef and I told him not to tell me anything until I finished the work day because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold back my emotions if he didn't make it. So he picked me up from school and I could tell right away what had happened although I so didn't want it to be true. He didn't make it. My heart split into a million pieces. Poor little pup. We didn't have him a long time, but as an animal lover, I got very attached very quickly. He was a really sweet dog, basically the most awesome puppy ever.

After that, I found out that someone that is very dear to me has cancer. That was a huge shock and I couldn't even wrap my head around it with everything else that happened. I guess I tried not to obsess over it too much to avoid just completely breaking down. But, the fear of losing that person ate me up alive and though I didn't necessarily analyze this information like I normally would, it was ALWAYS in the back of my mind.

When I thought things couldn't possibly get any worse, The Chef tells me he's having doubts and has been thinking about this for the past two months. I'm sorry, what now? We decide to take a break for a week and he goes to stay with his brother. We meet up a week later and he tells me he's now sure that things aren't working for him and he's not happy. It's the kind of split where nothing happened, no one "did" anything, but it's just not right. Except that it was a total surprise to me and I thought I at least had him in my life still and could count on him to help me get through everything that was weighing me down. Not the case.

It's been a month since the break-up and I was doing OK, but I'm starting to feel really horrible again. I don't know if it's going back to work(I was on vaca the past two weeks) which just reminds me of all the problems at work, the fact that The Chef finally moved out all his stuff a week ago which reminds me of the break-up and feeling alone, seeing a good friend come and go or a mix of all these things and more. I think it's the latter. Plus, I just feel so unsupported by certain people which is a really hard pill to swallow. Thank goodness for those friends who have been so supportive that I feel so lucky, however it seems to just point out more those who haven't been very supportive at all.

I just feel that it's a lot of things for one person to deal with at once. It's hard to stay positive and I know time is what I need, but I just so want to not feel this way anymore. I'm looking forward to the day that I can look back and be OK and I know that day will come, but I'm seriously willing the time to go by...and fast.

To not end things on a completely bad note, I will tell you that I somehow magically got my French permis de conduire by exchange. I was technically about 6 weeks late past my first permanent CDS, but something had to give for Pete's sake and I got it in the mail...4 months after I asked for it, but whatev, I got it! Another positive thing was that after doing lots of research and trips to the Dreaded Prefecture, I think that I will be able to renew my CDS Salarie without having my employer go through the Labor Dept which is exactly what I need and want to happen. Now they just have to offer me a job...on verra for that. Lastly, the person who has cancer had surgery just yesterday that is very essential to a cure. I do have hope and everything should be OK, but you just never know. So voila, just wanted to get that all out there.