A little Vaklempt

You're probably wondering why I was a bit bothered(understatement of the century) in my last post. Well, it sort of was an accumulation of little things that finally just pushed me over the edge into feeling hurt and upset. I won't get into all of them here because, like I said, I feel a bit limited in what I can say plus it's not really my thing to talk about people on here(umm, by people I meant English-speaking people only of course...haha.) Surprisingly and I say this because I don't think it came across that way, the blogging part of it was a very minor factor, but it still added to the enormous pile that are my current annoyances.

One thing is the eternal question mark about what I'm doing next year and where I'll be, that at this point, has come to a standstill and all I can do is wait. I'm crossing my fingers to hear soon, but hearing soon just means being called in for an interview, the position is not necessarily going to be mine. I should hear within the next two weeks and obviously once I have some answers, I will fill you all in on what I'm even talking about. But, I don't want to jinx it by talking about it here especially when I could potentially not even get an interview in the first place. On verra.

Then, Roomie#1 has decided since she's moving out in 20 days: 6 hours: 30 minutes: 15 seconds(ok, so that's just an approximation, can you tell I can't wait?), she doesn't really give an F about keeping the apt orderly, being disrespectful by bringing her FB over, not doing housework, smoking in the salon and just many other unpleasantries. It's driving me up the wall, but since she's leaving soon, I don't want to be picking a fight with her all the time because I want things to end on a good note. So for now, I'll just continue to range every morning when I get up, throw her stuff in her room, leave the window wide open to air out the salon, etc so I can still get my message across albeit passive-aggressively.

The last big thing was finding out that it's 99.9% sure my best friend from home won't be coming. It looks like a big opportunity has come up at work that would last for 4 months and just happens to start the week she was going to come over. So, it looks like I've gotta plan out an alternative vacation or else I'll be bored for 10 days straight. Any ideas? I'm thinking of tagging along with a friend to Marseille and Bordeaux, but I'll need to find 1 or 2 cities in between the two because she's going to Toulouse to visit her host bro and I don't want to impose myself. So, I'm thinking of Avignon, Nimes or Montpellier, but I'll let you know once I buy the tickets for the other places and then I'll have to get recommendations from all of you southerners!

Et voila, now you know what's been getting my goat!

Blurred

Walking home during what feels like one of the longest and shortest walks of my life, the lights look like they're bouncing up and down and side-to-side with every step I take as I look at them through damp eyes. No one else exists or matters, but me and my swirling thoughts. I feel alone. I feel hurt. I miss my family. I miss my real friends. I miss a real life. I think back to the mean kids in elementary school and what I had to endure for no good reason. I bury my hands in my pockets and the scars still burn. These scars are not physical, but mental. Time does heal, but you never forget. I wonder what I did and when my time will be. I want to be appreciated for who I am and what I do. I don't deserve this. I don't. I don't. I DON'T! I've kept so much inside and I've been the bigger person. Being the bigger person doesn't always make you feel better. I want to scream and kick down the walls and say what I mean and mean what I say. But, I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. Because I'm a coward and because I care what they think. Who cares what they think anyways? I wish I didn't. I want to stop. But, I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.

Sidenote: This all being said, I just have to comment that my blog first started out as a place to update friends and tell a few anecdotes. Over time, as friends in real life did not seem to be reading, I felt the freedom to delve more into personal feelings that I would not necessarily share with all of my real-life friends. I have some people I know that read this blog and, unfortunately, I don't have much of a choice in that. That being said, I want to let those people know that if they wish to read my blog, fine. I have no control over that unless I were to make this private. Just as I stumbled across many interesting blogs before I decided to commit and write my own, I do not want to prevent others from having this same opportunity with my own blog. Therefore, I would greatly appreciate those of you that I know to keep MY thoughts to yourself. They are not to be shared with others in "real life" nor do I wish to talk about them with you. That's why I keep them here. In the end, it's my life and I write this all for me. Yes, I appreciate feedback and nice comments, but I write to vent, to get things out of my system. But, once they're out, it's over unless I say differently. Please keep this in mind and refrain from treating my life as you would a short story you read in the newspaper. Thank you.

Made me smile

Reason 5 bajillion 143 mazillion 579 plajillion why my mom is the bestest. I've been kinda bored recently as nothing much new seems to be going on and I, comme d'hab, have no idea what I'm doing next year or where I'll be doing whatever I'll be doing, for that matter. So, getting this package today on a rainy Rennes Wednesday really brightened my day. M&Ms, Peeps, a Marshmallow bunny, Cadbury Creme Eggs and drumroll please.....REESE'S EGGS! She knows so well my love for the Reese's Egg...the peanut butter to chocolate ratio is out of control and none of those crazy ridged edges to deal with. They're my favorites! She also included a note in the card that I am to give one Cadbury Egg to Roomie#1 and one to R#2 which is absolutely fine with me because I find them kinda tooooooo overwhelmingly sugary(even the little ones.) And she didn't include jelly beans which she used to give me in my Easter basket for the longest time, but I didn't like them so I'd just give them to my sister who loves them. I finally came out with the truth a few years ago(I also filled her in on the Conversation Hearts at Valentine's Day.) Although those I would always eat and still do eventhough I don't like them because I feel they are an integral part of Valentine's and I must make myself eat them. Strange, I know.

Yay for Easter baskets, yay for Nouvelle Star tonight and yay for hopefully finding a new roomie soon! PS-I will def fill you in soon on our casting of Nouveau Coloc 2008 and such candidats as Coloc d'amour, Baba cool, l'ours and Justin Timberlake. Just need to get myself motivated to write. In the meantime, I'll just let you drool over my Easter goodies. Ciao!

Happy Paques/ Joyeuses Easter!

Here's wishing you a Happy Easter & Joyeuses Paques! I hope the Easter Bunny/bell from Rome came and brought you tons of lovely treats!

Me from A to Z

It's a cold, gray and rainy day and so I thought what better rainy day activity than a little quiz action for all of my wonderful readers. I pique'd this little quizzy from Kari's blog. Enjoy and feel free to fill it out on your blog as well!

A-Available?: Better believe it. Single and ready to mingle, baby!

B-Best friend: A, who I've been friends with since we were little wee ones in elementary school and who is allegedly coming to visit at the end of April. I say allegedly because I love her, but the girl's scatter-brained. Besides her I have a lot of really good friends from college and study abroad: K, T and S more specifically. Being so far away from them all is hard!

C-Cake or Pie: Well, this is a toughie. See, I don't like when cake is too, umm, cakey...I like it to be mixed with jam, fruit, frosting, etc. I find chocolate cake way too overwhelming unless you have just a little sliver. Can it be ice cream cake? Yum, that stuff is mmm mmm good. Pie I like fresh and I don't like when the fruit is too compotey...all congealed and gucky...think how apple pie or blueberry pie get. I like the fruits rouge kinds of pie or obv any kind of chocolate, coconut thingy as well. Umm, I've talked way too long about cake and pie...so I vote ice cream?

D-Drink of choice: Yes please.

E-Essential thing used everyday: My brain? No wait, it says EVERY day, hold the phone for a sec there. I dunno...my patience? I am in France afterall.

F-Favorite color: Purple, hands down.

G-Gummi bears or worms: I guess I'd say the bears because you can gobble them up in one bite whereas the worms are all chewy and might take you two or three. I don't like to have to work to eat my food. Haha.

H-Hometown: A town in Connecticut/a town in Nova Scotia. I'm AmeriCanadian and don't you forget it!

I-Indulgence: Chocolate.

J-January or February: January- the start of a new year.

K-Kids and names: Umm, none that I know of so far. Does Sienna count? As for names, I have a list(of course) and many start with J, K and L for whatever reason. I think it'd be cool to have a French name that could translate into American English. I want something unique for my future ankle-biters.

L-Life is incomplete without: Love.

M-Marriage date: September 24, 3008?

N-Number of siblings: My sis, K, who is 7 years older than yours truly.

O-Oranges or apples: Oranges unless you're taking about apples freshly picked from a New England orchard which you can make cider and applesauce with.

P-Phobias: Spiders, sharks, any doctor, huge open spaces I could fall into or maybe even just grates, the Prefecture.

Q-Quote: "Ou que tu ailles, vas-y avec to coeur."

R-Reason to smile: Haven't found it yet.

S-Season: Fall and winter. Fall and winter are beautiful in New England. Spring's alright...just not summer(this is all determined by how I hate being hot.)

T-Tag three people: Umm, your mom, your dog and your Chia-pet?

U-Unknown fact about me: I can't really read music, but I played the violin and flute for 5 years.

V-Vegetable you do not like: MUSHROOMS=dirt of the earth.

W-Worst habit: Cleaning up after people and putting their things away maybe? But, that's just for my roomates, really. Asking a bajillion questions? Could that be it? Possibly?

X-rays you have had: Chest twice for the visite medicale and 2 at the ER of my noggin when I was really sick last April.

Y-Your favourite food: Am I in France or the US? I dunno...fajitas, cottage cheese, cheddar, Mac&cheese, popcorn, cereal and instant oatmeal?

Z-Zodiac: Taureau.

Luck of the Irish

Here's wishing all you fellow anglos/anglophiles a Happy St. Paddy's day!

Just for fun I've included a lil multiple choice one-question quiz for y'all to enjoy:

1. Which of the following things occurred today?

a) I translated a gospel song into French for crazy cat lady after CCL randomly sonned at my porte ce soir.

b) I learned that while the French have a word for people who are cold all the time(frileux), the equivalent for people that are hot all the time(me) does not exist. Surprise of the century(insert sarcasm.)

c) I just up and decided to get over my ex-copain after way too long a time spent wasted thinking about what could have been or what maybe could be.

d) All of the above

Sneak preview!

So, here's a lil sneak peek of my new room(as of April 20th!!!) that I decided to share with you all. Please note that I do not think myself a cinematographic genius by any means. I do realize I turned the camera vertical even AFTER I had just mocked myself for having done that same thing in a previous video. What can I say? I'm a little bit conne. Oh well. Enjoy, peepz!

Friends en francais!

I found this a while back when I looked for the funny vid of Phoebe teaching Joey how to speak French. I just find it interesting how much French has been integrated into everyday English. I was talking about this one night last week over dinner with 2 other anglos and 1 franco and we were just rattling off a list of words/expressions like nobody's business. Chauffeur, bouquet, voila, c'est la vie, tete-a-tete, laisser faire, blase, derriere, hors d'oeuvre, a la mode, chic, BCBG, maitre'd, genre, clique...those are some I can think of off the top of my head. It's pretty amazing, really.

I wizzay therefore it is, kinda th'n yo

Since I've bizzy in Rennes fo` pizzay troisof mah time liv'n in France, I've done a pretty good job of keep'n clockin' cheap n deny'n me tha urge ta spend on th'n I didn't reeeeeally need(I even denied me a purple scarf on soldesfo` 1 euro!) I'd been dying ta buy new tops, a battery playa a second pillow, a motherf***a a new coat n a Brita filta fo` ages like a tru playa'. But, I just tried ta forget `bout those th'n n would tizzy me "you don't neeeeeed them, Leah, it's jizzle one more thing ta have ta bring B-to-tha-izzack or leave hizzle n lose tha money lata on." Well, I have not only managed ta buy every single one of those th'n in tha last 3 weeks, but have also started ta pizzick out furniture ta buy fo` mah new bedroom . Im a bad boy wit a lotta hos. Have I won tha lotto, scored a new job, have any indication I'm stay'n hizzy fo` a while homedawg you drug deala? Well, tha answa is I really wish, I snoopa really wiznish n I hypa mizzy snoopa really wish fo' sheezy! Hizzy I gone nuts is tha more appropriate question n probably would be tha correct answa.

I have somehow developed this crazy idea thizzat if I will sippin' in France enough, it'll jizzle happen. I mean, I am of course pound'n tha pavemizzles maybe not so miznuch messin' as lightly ballin' ta look fo` a job. It's just tizzle I really have no indication tizzle I'm stay'n nor do I feel all that hopeful `bout ballin' a job(it is me n mah luck, afterall!), but I jizzy wizzle it ta be so much tizzy I have turned it into some S-to-tha-izzort of false reality. I wizzay therefore it is, kinda th'n yo. It hasn't bizzle pimpin' ta stay nor has it been know'n I'll stay eitha. I'm try'n ta figure out whiznen it all started n where it came frizzay . Bounce wit me. Maybe playa being S-to-tha-izzick fo` so long n so often, I fizzy I needed ta treat me n tizzy it jizzay turned into a volcanic eruption of mass ridin'? Not sure but real homies don't give a f****. Was it afta read'n Eat, Pray, Love n start'n ta believe in tha possibility of life n love again? Again, couldn't tizzay you and cant no hood f*** with death rizzow. All I know is I believe . Drop it like its hot.

PS-Check out gizoogle.com!...yo

Dreamin big

Since I've been in Rennes for part trois of my time living in France, I've done a pretty good job of keeping things cheap and denying myself the urge to spend on things I didn't reeeeeally need(I even denied myself a purple scarf on soldes for 1 euro!) I'd been dying to buy new tops, a battery charger, a second pillow, a comforter, a new coat and a Brita filter for ages. But, I just tried to forget about those things and would tell myself "you don't neeeeeed them, Leah, it's just one more thing to have to bring back or leave here and lose the money later on." Well, I have not only managed to buy every single one of those things in the last 3 weeks, but have also started to pick out furniture to buy for my new bedroom. Have I won the lotto, scored a new job, have any indication I'm staying here for a while longer, you wonder? Well, the answer is I really wish, I super really wish and I hyper mega super really wish! Have I gone nuts is the more appropriate question and probably would be the correct answer.

I have somehow developed this crazy idea that if I will staying in France enough, it'll just happen. I mean, I am of course pounding the pavement(ok, maybe not so much pounding as lightly treading) to look for a job. It's just that I really have no indication that I'm staying nor do I feel all that hopeful about getting a job(it is me and my luck, afterall!), but I just want it to be so much that I have turned it into some sort of false reality. I wish therefore it is, kinda thing. It hasn't been hoping to stay nor has it been knowing I'll stay either. I'm trying to figure out when it all started and where it came from. Maybe after being sick for so long and so often, I felt I needed to treat myself and then it just turned into a volcanic eruption of mass spending? Not sure. Was it after reading Eat, Pray, Love and starting to believe in the possibility of life and love again? Again, couldn't tell you. All I know is I believe.

The calm after the storm

I don't think I've ever mentioned before that Roomie#1 was planning on moving out this summer. This is the same girl who was 100% moving back to Portsmouth, England this past September where she spent a year and a half a few years back. This is also the same girl who after the England plan went to crap, decided she would be buying her own apartment somewhere in Rennes. Over time, she became the girl who was occasionally looking at apartments she could never afford that were available several months before she would move out. About a month back, she mentioned that her new plan was to find an apt to rent on her own. When she told me that, I sort of half-listened knowing that this new plan, just like the others before, would soon change. However, folks, it looks like she has seen a place she really likes and will possibly be moving out as soon as the end of March or April. Nothing is set in stone, but I think it's safe to say with her recently acting as though she were living by herself and my recent rebellion, she is ready to have a place of her own...and, more importantly, so am I.

While I do think this will be a sad change as I look back on all the soirees, stories and sad Sundays spent together, I think it will also be the thing that can save two friends from slowly growing apart. It's difficult to live with friends, though I do know despite that, I still will always prefer to be friends with my roomates rather than simply people who share the same living space. It's a fine line, though, if you hang out too much together, you really start to get on each other's nerves. But, it's hard to create distance on purpose when you share many of the same friends and also don't want to hurt the other person's feelings by not inviting them. I know I will see her less just by living in two separate apartments which is normal, but I hope we will still be able to be as good of friends as we were before.

Like I said, it's not set in stone which is why I was really hesitant to blog about it. But, she and her FB and her mess all over the apartment have been driving me crazy and if this were to continue, it would mean major problems and I just don't want that to happen. So, I am a bit sad about it, but I also think it's for the best. Plus, this means I get her room which is bigger, sunnier, has a built-in placard and no eyesore of a sink! If this does happen, btw, expect a video tour. Yeeee-uh! You didn't really think I could stay serious for an entire post, didya?

PS-I will also keep you updated on le casting of nouveau coloc 2008 which I'm sure, after having gone through that for MONTHS last year, will provide for quite the entertainment!