14 janvier, 2008

From the horse's mouth

So, a whole lot of nothing has been going over here in my neck of the woods. I somehow managed to get a case of reverse jet lag(ie going to bed early and waking up early like you normally do in the states coming from France) for the entirety of last week which of course is something only I could manage to do. Other than that, I've just been contemplating what I want out of 2008, I won't use that darn "R" word, but I really can't help but compare what 2007 brought into my life vs. what I want out of 2008. To be honest, 2007 was kind of a ginormous piece of merde. What with me being sick and ending up in the hospital's ER, my aunt unexpectedly dying, my childhood pet being put to sleep, my great uncle dying, I think it's safe to say I've seen much better years. Plus, last year I turned 25 which seemed like any other birthday in the beginning until slowly over time, I started to realize all of the things I didn't have going on in my life...no defined career path, no money, no family close by, no sense of being settled in a certain place and no one to share all this with. Genial. I also decided at the end of 2007 to quit the IUFM which was surprisingly a very easy decision, but also very disappointing and depressing.

I don't know how, but I somehow manage to remain optimistic despite myself, but I'm starting to feel like something's gotta give one of these days. I also have a ticket home for mid-July, but if I had my way, I would stay another 2-5 years. I know I can always go back to school just to be able to stay and work here, but that bugs me so much to not be progressing. I miss my family, I do, but I feel like I'm enjoying my time here, I'm getting experience teaching, I love Rennes and I love speaking French. The thought of going home and not speaking French every day just kills me. I've worked for so long and though I've done well, I still feel like there's always so much more to learn. Blah. Plus, if I go home now, my hometown will have none of my friends living there, ZERO, ZIP, ZILCH, NADA, PERSONNE. How sucky will my social life be? Very, very, VERY sucky. How am I ever going to meet someone there? It's a great place to grow up, great for families and older folk but it just is this blackhole of suckiness for people aged 18-30ish. Which leads me to what I wanted to share with you, dear reader.
So, I haven't completely been up to nothing at all. I actually hosted an American party this weekend(thanks for the pic, Sam!) for some fellow anglos and way too many French people. All in all, it was fun times with card games, Beer Pong and way too many cigarette breaks. Anyways, late in the night, I ended up having a chat with a platonic friend about past relationships, what we look for in another person and where we're at now. I miss hanging out with boys on a friend level and it was such a sincere conversation with no hidden agenda behind it, it really was great. At one point, I was telling him how it's been a while since I've been in a long-term relationship and I really have a lot of marre. He said, "mais, t'es marrante, jolie et intelligente. Tu vas surement trouver qqn qui te correspond." Later on in the night, when having a heart to heart with Roomie#1, I shared the sweet thing the Frenchie had said to me. Her response and I quote:
"C'est vrai. T'es ni thon, ni conne, ni pauvre fille."

Umm, gee, thanks. She really has a way with words, huh!?!

9 commentaires:

Jennie a dit…

Aw, you're leaving France this summer? I have to make it up to Bretagne before then to see you!

I understand how you feel though. I don't feel like I'm progressing with my life here either. After I'm done with the assistantship program in April, I have no idea what to do. I could start taking classes at a French university, but I guess the problem is that I don't know what I want to do as a career. Plus that's more bills to pay with the little money I have/earn. I'm just tired of being poor and feeling stuck.

Alisa a dit…

Well, we already talked about this and you know how I agree with you 100 percent. Like, I could have just written this entry myself :) Unfortunately, sharing the misery doesn't make it any easier.

Btw, who's the platonic friend you were discussing relationships with? I can't imagine any of Thomas' friends being sober enough for it (haha)... Simon? He is a sweetie.

Anyhoo, remember, you don't have to go back to your hometown for good. You could go to any city you want, where there's tons of people your age. Not that comforting to hear, but just wanted to shoot a little ray of hope into all the black hole-ness. Let me know when you want to get together and we'll commiserate!

kylie a dit…

well, leah, know that you are not alone.

no family here. not a real job. taking classes, but what am i going to do with the degree? etc.

i've got a few years on you (let's *NOT* count them, ok? :D) and talk about not progressing? i call it TREADING WATER. try it. it makes you feel a little bit better. :)

Leah a dit…

J-Well, it's not 100%, but that's what it's looking like, unfortunately. :( You are planning on heading to QC, right? That's something to look forward to!

A-I know you know I know you know. Wait, what? Anyways, yeah it was S that said that. And, you're right that I could go to another city, but I a)don't feel like starting all over again and settling into a new place and b)think that if I'm going back, it's pretty much to be close to my family and with my parents, sister, aunt and cousin all living there, I think it makes sense.

K-Is that water by any chance stagnant and murky? :)

Crystal a dit…

welcome to the club my friend...life somehow becomes suspended for foreigners living in France...once the fun and excitement of living in europe wears off (for me, it was 2 weeks after my arrival) we find ourselves doing mundane jobs, getting paid peanuts and never really finding that stability we'd have back at home. There's no easy answers to the questions you are asking yourself, but the important thing is to live with no regrets. If you go back to the states in July and start to regret it, you can always move back to France. Things are gonna be better for us all in 2008...I'm sure of it :)

nicole a dit…

Yep, been there and remain there in thought. This whole growing up and figuring out what to do next sure isn't easy.

I'm sure you will figure it out as you go and I'll just wish for you to find the path that makes perfect sense for you.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone! Also, I need to get up your way and attend one of these parties! :)

Leah a dit…

C-Well, I crazily still like it here despite all my complaining. I also don't think I would come back here if I went home, I kinda think that'd be it for me!

N-Thanks for the comment and I agree, it sure is a pain in the a$$. You will definitely have to make it up to Bretagne whether I go or not(that goes for Crystal and Jennie too!)

The Late Bloomer a dit…

Hey there Leah -- Happy Belated New Year! Just wanted to say that I, too, have been there (what am I talking about?! I'm STILL there) and like Kylie I have more than a few years on you. I'm STILL searching for myself, but oddly enough, the one thing I feel good about is the fact that I've established France as my home. I honestly couldn't imagine going back to the U.S. to live now, but I guess it's a very personal thing. And I guess it has something to do with the fact that I have a significant other here now too... But I often feel like I don't have enough direction or no particular career path, and I ask myself constant questions. Then again, I know that's normal and healthy. Otherwise, if I just resigned myself to something, it would be worse, right?! I guess it's the curse of our "generation" (even if, again, I'm a bit further ahead in the generation line!).

Don't worry: I'm sure what's meant to be will fall into place. If, when July rolls around, you still feel like moving back to the U.S. seems like the right thing, then go with it. But if you feel like France could possibly bring you more, and you could possibly see a future for yourself here, then why not give it a try too? Don't want to throw any more indecision your way, but somehow I feel like fate will help everything fall into place.

And I agree that 2008 is going to be a much better year than 2007 -- as a matter of fact, it's going to be a GREAT YEAR! :-) Let's all say it together...

Leah a dit…

Thanks a lot, Alice, I really liked what you had to say.

I definitely agree that things happen for a reason and that what's meant to be will be. I guess I just hate feeling like I have to really struggle to be even allowed to stay here and can't help but question sometimes why I'm fighting going back to the states so much and if I shouldn't just give in and give up. I do want to stay in France, but I feel torn. Only time will tell-on verra bien!