08 mai, 2011

Non-smoker, non-ugly

I'm ba-aaaaack! Although I don't know if anyone is still out there because I maybe scared you all away with my last post. Oh well! It's now been almost 3 months since my life exploded like that Icelandic volcano that messed up everyone's travel plans last year. I'm not sure how 3 months have gone by, but I'm still hanging in there somehow even despite some unexpected news that I learned of this week: the dreaded new girlfriend. Someone has already come along to take my old spot. I'm not going to go into all the gory details because I've analyzed the situation too many times for my own good but the basic idea is that he has moved on...ALREADY. I'm not sure how long they've been together but it was at least a month after the breakup that they got together if not before. We all know the golden rule: it should always be the breakupee who moves on first not the breakuper. OK, that might just be MY golden rule that I invented. I wanted him to be the one to run into me on the street as I walk hand in hand with Gaston who just happens to be taller, funnier, better-looking and extremely charming. Instead, I live in fear of running into him with the copine and have images of me hiding behind a tree or something to avoid an awkward situation. All I can do is make sure I look amazing every time I step outside the house which, of course, is not possible but I will do my darndest. Besides, I know the 5'9" stick insect that he calls his copine must have her faults too...right? Right?

For now I choose to either dwell on this new discovery constantly or pretend like it isn't happening. Healthy, I know, but I just can't seem to find the middle ground. I've been going out a lot into town in the evening and night hours and hanging out with new and different people. I crave change. I need to have future plans. I want to feel connected to people and don't like being on my own. I suppose these are all normal feelings but because this is the longest relationship I've ever had, I've never felt these feelings so strongly and they definitely didn't last this long. It's not a precise science, but there is definitely truth to the length of the relationship being proportionate to the time it takes to get over it. I can't believe people have to go through this multiple times. I definitely want the next one to stick around for good.

Actually, I think a lot about the future Mr. Leah en France Part Trois(though it's hard to imagine ever being with someone again.) I think about the good points that The Chef had that I'd like the new guy to have and then the negative ones that I don't want. There are certain things that might be a deal breaker. Do I really want to deal with dating a smoker again? I really am anti-smoking and that was one of the things that bugged me about The Chef. We got into arguments about it and whenever he'd smoke, it would seriously rub me the wrong way. He did quit a couple times and he also reduced the amount of clopes he'd smoke, but I don't know if it ever would have been enough for me. The other big thing was his schedule. We worked opposite schedules. He worked on the weekend. I spent(wasted) so much time waiting for him. It was hard for us to get to know each other's friends. We both wondered sometimes if he wouldn't be better off with someone working in restauration. (FYI I'm pretty sure Salopey McPetasse aka the new gf is a hairdresser so she will see how difficult it is to have opposite schedules too!) I'd say these two things are pretty huge heck no's for me. But then I realize that no one is perfect so I won't be able to find Mr. Perfect and will have to compromise on some things, but what? I definitely am not willing to settle but how picky can you really be?

I've been listening to music about breakups and being at a certain place in your life. I really relate to a song by Lily Allen called "22." It's about a girl who remembers being 22 and feeling so much hope but now she's almost 30, goes out a lot only to find losers that don't stick around and isn't happy in her career. She's waiting for her dream man to come along and rescue her and wonders why her life has worked out this way. I totally feel ya, Lily, you have noooo idea. Besides that, I've been listening to a lot of Adele. I heart Adele. She has such a beautiful voice and sings so effortlessly. She's amazing. Her second album was inspired by a breakup and, again, I completely relate to what she must have been feeling when she wrote those songs. Music is great for that.

Other than being a crazy, past quarter-life crisis, analyzing, heartbroken, hating-being-single gal, I'm kind of on pins and needles for what's going to happen in other parts of my life in the next few months. Will I have a job? A CDD or a CDI? Will I get a raise? Will I move? Back to the states or in Rennes? I feel like there are going to be a lot of changes in the near future. I'm not a huge fan of changes and going through different transitions, so I kind of just want to get it over and done with. If I could hop in a time machine and skip over the waiting and the bad stuff, I totally would. Unfortunately, that's not possible, so I will just have to deal with it for now and wish time away like I've been doing for the past three months.

Dear Time,

I'm ready for you to do your job and heal me.


PS-There's something really great just around the corner, right?

5 commentaires:

shannon a dit…

I'm still here! I wish you lots of luck these next few months!

au soleil levant a dit…

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. French guys are tough to get over, but I've found that most of them seem to be jerks and the nice ones are few and far between. Think about that the next time Jerky McJerkJerk wafts his way into your head. And French girls can't stand to be without a guy, so she's probably miserable. Sending you lots of good wishes as you deal with all of this, and an egg or two to throw at his window :)

Leah a dit…

@Shannon-Good to see you round the blogosphere. Thanks for hanging in there until I write something more positive which I will...one of these days!

@Mira-Well, I wish I could think he was a jerk but even though I might say the contrary, I don't. I just think he was done and ready to move on to something else and too bad for me. So yeah, he's a jerk! Thanks for the wishes and the eggs, I will gladly take them. :)

Anonyme a dit…

I will say I'm really thankful my ex mec has moved across the country specifcally so I don't have to worry about running into him with a new copine. Sorry that's something you have to deal with dear :(

Otherwise, just keep on trucking. Change can be frustrating but sometimes change in itself can be healing, too. And from what I've seen of friends who had really bad breakups and are now in good relationships - they are able to appreciate the new guy that much more from knowing exactly what they want and don't want.

So, here's to hoping that we find ourselves some good mecs soon! (And in the meantime, have a lot of fun with our friends!)

Leah a dit…

Well, a run-in hasn't happened yet...but you know small Rennes can be! I definitely think you're right about knowing what I want out of a relationship and also what I need to work on too because helas, I am not perfect either! It's a plan for the good mecs and fun with friends!! Biz biz