16 avril, 2011
One month later
It's now been two months since my life tossed its' proverbial cookies all over me. I keep thinking I'm OK and then some little thing reminds me I'm not. It really doesn't take much to drag me down again. I've had three friends visit from the states over the past month or so which was such a lifesaver and could not have come at a better time, but now I'm back on my own again and having to face the music. I've got vacances coming up at the end of next week which will be good as it will be a break from my job which is always needed because it is one of the parts of my life that is not going well, but at the same time, my job also provides a distraction from all the other bits of my life that suck. I know I'll get through it because that's all I can do, but I'm looking forward and not looking forward to it at the same time. If money weren't one of my woes right now, I would totally want to get away, but helas, it cannot be. I do have possible travel plans this summer to visit a friend in Angleterre before I leave for the states but it's not yet set in stone. At least I'm able to go home for almost a month and get away from this pile of merde I call a vie. Wow. I really can't wait to be able to re-read this blog post someday in the (hopefully near) future and be so glad I'm not in this place anymore. I'm just wondering when the heck that will be.
I know I sound negative, but you have to understand that so many areas of my life are in the crapper. Yes, I know it could be a lot worse, but I also think it could be a lot better. Career, money, love, family, friendships and health are kind of the essentials of a healthy life. Of course it's not every aspect of those categories. For example, though they're far away, I do have an extremely wonderful, loving and supportive family and the person who has cancer seems to be doing well after the surgery. Also, some of my friends have been really kind and thoughtful which I'm so very grateful for. I do have moments of trying to be positive, you see, but it wavers. Overall, I would just say it's a feeling of being uncomfortable in my life. I'm not happy how the majority of things are going. I'm able to be happy for other people who have great things happening in their lives...new houses, weddings, jobs, babies, pets, couples, etc. It is hard for me, however, to see all these wonderful things happening to important people in my life and not wonder why it isn't the case for me.
I do believe that in life things happening for a reason. If all this depressing stuff is happening to me all at the same time, it must have some purpose. I don't know why that is, but I think with time, I will be able to see. It's said that it takes half the time of a relationship to get over it which would be October. I've decided that that should apply to all of the negative things going on in my life. I know that's a bit silly to group everything together and give myself an expiration date for all of these bad feelings, but it helps to think of things in a practical and logical way. What I do know is that in theory I should know about my job situation in June. They know I'm leaving at the beginning of July for the states, but I know that they also are big fans of waiting until the last minute without really considering the people this affects. I have in my head that if I don't get a new contract or a renewal with them, I will probably be leaving France for good. I'm putting all my eggs in one basket and hoping it works out.
I try to predict how it's going to go, but there are lots of different things they could do because there are 3 of us on CDD, but only about 1.5 postes. In theory, it means they will keep 2 of us. But, they could also always try to give the hours in the 0.5 poste to the CDI people even if they wouldn't want them. They could also hire an outside person. If they did either of those things, that would mean 3 people going for 1 poste and I have a feeling that one of the people would get it over me because we really need someone who is specialized in History and that is the case for this person. However, there are lots of primary hours. The History person wouldn't want them and I don't think any of the CDIers who aren't already in primary would want them. So either they could hire someone from the outside, keep the third person or me. I know this is probably confusing, but basically it means things are totally up in the air. Also, even if I get a position, they could offer me a CDD again one more time which I don't want to have if I apply for nationality which is my plan if I get offered a new contract with my job. It's a lot of "if a happens, then will it be b or c? If it's b will it be d or e? If it's c will it be f or g?" Enough to make you analyze it over and over again, but know that in the end, you can only wait.
Money could also get a little better if they take me on a CDI, but I doubt my salary would change if they gave me another CDD which means potentially another year of being in the merde. I will have a prime at the end of the CDD I have until the end of August, but most of it will be used to pay off loans so it won't last all that long, a mon avis. To help my financial situation, I was thinking about a coloc with a friend, but it seems now she probably wants to stay in her studio because she might be moving back to Paris. I don't really want to do another coloc with all new people so, for now, I'm staying in my appart until I know more info about my job and will deal with the coloc sitch later.
My life has never been such a mess before. I guess stay tuned to see what happens and keep sending those positive vibes my way. I will try to update here from time to time. If I don't update for a while, it probably means I've been eaten by wild dogs a la Bridget Jones! Voili voilou.